The Power and Importance of Mothering

Why mothers matter more than anyone likes to admit.

This is the text of the keynote talk which I gave at the Mothers At Home Matter (MAHM) Conference in London on 11th November 2025.

Thank you so much for inviting me here today.

The power and importance of mothering – wow. The challenge is where to start with such a huge and important topic. But I relish the challenge – because mothering is vitally important, for all of us. It has the power to change society.

I have given this a lot of thought, based not only on my professional experience as a counsellor and therapist, but above all on my experience of being both a mother and daughter. Motherhood is not a one-way street; it always has a profound impact on two people – and for both, it is central to our understanding of who we are. It is when we forget this, that things go awry.

Mum’s the Word

For some context, let’s just think about the word ‘mother’ for a minute. We talk about our first language, the language in which we communicate most easily and effectively, being our ‘mother tongue’. Think of the term ‘motherlode’ – it originated in mining, to describe the main vein of ore, but is now used symbolically, to describe – and I quote – “an abundant source of something valuable and desirable”. We know that ‘necessity is the mother of invention’. We talk about ‘the mother of all storms’ or the ‘mother of all celebrations’… meaning the biggest, most impressive – an event unlike any other. How about ‘the mothership’ – a vessel or space craft from which smaller craft come and go, and which offers security, strategic oversight and a central command centre? We ‘keep mum’ when confidentiality really matters. And then there is that well-known saying – ‘the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world’.

Language and literature, which develop organically over centuries, provide a valuable insight into culture and the priorities of a society. There is no doubt, that until very recently, mothers – and motherhood – had a key importance within our families, our homes and the life of the community. To quote Shakespeare – but a little out of context – a mother has always been:

“…an ever fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

A star to every wand’ring bark

Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken”.

Mothers – however frazzled today – are still regarded as the nerve centre of the home. Fathers have a vital importance too – one which is frequently, and conveniently, overlooked today – but as we see, there has always been something central about the importance of motherhood. The language we still use clearly reflects this.

Devaluation

So what has happened? How have we reached a situation in which motherhood is apparently so devalued? And why do so many young women now not want to have children at all? How have we made motherhood seemingly unaffordable for so many?

We now read far more about the ‘burden of motherhood’ and the ‘motherhood penalty’, than we do about motherhood being ‘the beautiful and sacred bedrock of human existence’ [1].

I don’t have rose-tinted spectacles, I promise – I have dealt with as many long, noisy nights and dirty protests as the next mother, I’ve lived the anxiety and confusion – but something speaks to me in that description. That sense of ‘being’, somehow makes all the ‘doing’ worthwhile – and when something is worthwhile, we want to do it, whatever the challenges.

We live in a world where continual action and material achievement is what matters. Motherhood is devalued because we have forgotten what is more important than anything, if we are to flourish as healthy human beings.

The Pendulum Swings

Social and cultural values tend to swing like a pendulum across the generations. It has always fascinated me how we never seem to be able to stop at a happy mean, but inevitably see the arc through to its destructive end-point, before the only direction in which it can swing is back.

Currently, we are approaching the inevitable end-point of a society in which very many traditional virtues and values have been inverted. We should have been able to predict the results, but many were too preoccupied with other things, adopted the zeitgeist or didn’t think it mattered. Lots of people actually celebrated the destruction of what were seen as repressive and regressive norms and institutions at the opposite end of the arc.

The family – as the bedrock of society and stability – was top of the list for abolition, for a generation for whom anything seemed possible, perhaps for the first time. The lure of ‘freedom’ was irresistible and after the war-time sacrifice of two generations who had steadfastly subsumed self and done their duty – and whom we honour especially today – prioritising pleasure and one’s own needs seemed infinitely preferable.

Paradise or Purgatory?

The results of this, another two generations on at least, has not created the peaceful, pleasure-filled paradise which many expected. The annihilation of those wars has ultimately given way to the nihilism of today. We have a ‘mental health crisis’ among children. Around 40% of GP appointments involve a mental health element. Prescriptions for psychiatric drugs have soared. Large number of people are idle – not in employment, education or training – because of ‘mental health issues’. We see the debris of a broken society all around us – a culture cut off from its roots, which – to steal a quote – “knows the price of everything and the value of nothing”.

We know we are in trouble when police and social services talk about 12-year-olds making ‘lifestyle choices’ to be exploited by older men, and having an OnlyFans account is seen as a reasonable way of supplementing a student loan. Everything and everyone is up for sale. Material value is all. Motherhood, which generates no income, is a casualty. Instead of telling girls that they are of equal value, we told them that they were the same as boys, and somehow only valued the things which traditionally boys have done. It has a price.

Perhaps controversially, I would also argue that the devaluing of motherhood – and the resultant cutting adrift of so many children – has exacerbated the situation. Many young people today have no sense of what family can be, or their value beyond what they have, and what they can offer. Their role in society rests solely in current ‘identity’ labels and precarious peer groups – with ostracism only a mis-step away. This leaves them vulnerable to every passing social media trend, and destructive ideology, in a way which would not have been possible when families were strong and mothers took charge.

Lest We Forget

Interestingly, I participated in a NHS England webinar in October last year, which offered ‘shared learning’ on mental health issues affecting the under-fives. Yes, really. In fact, the discussion was mainly focused on how to help parents connect with their babies and engage in the kind of ‘serve and return’ responsive interactions that build relationships and ensure attunement. These personal exchanges provide babies and young children with what nothing else in the world can offer – experiences and attention that reflect each child’s unique personality, build on the child’s innate interests, capabilities and motivation and which shape the child’s self awareness. It is impossible to do that at scale and without intimate knowledge of the child.

Only last week, the Harvard Center on the Developing Child produced a new working paper, with an astonishing title. It is called Mattering in early Childhood: Building a Strong Foundation for Life [2]. One of the authors is the founder of a no-doubt august body, called The Mattering Institute. While dressed up in the language of science, this paper actually tells us something that we all know at a visceral level – or certainly did know, until very recently.

An introduction to the paper declares, “the concept of mattering – the feeling that we are valued and have value to add to the world – has gained momentum among scientists and practitioners as a key ingredient for life-long wellbeing”. My question is an incredulous – what took you so long? We also learn that our sense of whether or not we matter begins in the earliest days of infancy – again, a lot of expensive research has led us to a blinding glimpse of the obvious. Of course, I am delighted that this crucial foundation for human flourishing is receiving the attention that it deserves, but how has it come to this?

As with so much of this literature, there are all the usual caveats, to avoid rocking the boat too much – we read about the importance of other aspects of life in childhood. In the recommendations, we see the importance of valuing of parents bracketed along with “teachers, caseworkers and other caregivers” as if they all play an equal role. There is no specific mention here of the unique mother-child bond.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Many of you will be familiar with the work of Erica Komisar, a psychotherapist and social worker from New York. She has no such qualms. In her book Being There [3], Erica tells us that “from the moment they enter the world, babies know the difference between their mothers and everyone else”. She continues, “a mother’s presence from the very beginning is critical”. While this does not mean that a child cannot be looked after by others when necessary, we need to understand that caregivers are not interchangeable, and therefore lengthy periods of time away from their mother are likely to have an adverse effect.

As Erica says, “when mothers are absent or non-existent, children mourn that loss. If we are to embrace a system in which mothers are exchanged for other caregivers, then we need to acknowledge the loss that children feel; denying this causes them additional pain”. In the beginning, our mothers matter most to us, and we to them.

Professor of Psychology and clinician Louis Cozolino has written that “children can’t comprehend the notion of quality time, leading them to interpret the amount of time spent together as love. If you spend most of your time away from them, they will experience it as rejection”. We then arrive at perhaps the hardest truth for enlightened denizens of the twenty-first century – and I quote – “It doesn’t matter how good your excuse is or that other adults will understand; humans have been shaped to be next to and connect with their caretakers” [4]. We see evidence of this in other cultures, where it is entirely normal for children to remain physically and emotionally close to their mothers – and to other mothers and their children – in the early years. And after all, until the Industrial Revolution, that is how we lived too.

He continues, “the emotional unavailability of the parent is experienced as a rejection and interpreted as ‘I’m not important, valuable or lovable enough to be secure in my membership in the family’ – which feels life-threatening when your survival depends upon your family’s protection”.

The Untethered Generation

My work in a large secondary school has taught me a lot about this. Far too many children diagnosed with ‘mental health issues’ are actually suffering the consequences of long-term emotional detachment and isolation. They have experienced a profound loss of connection and attunement with the parent whom biology primed for nurture – their mother. We are relational animals, hardwired to connect and the resulting malfunction in our motherboard – there’s that word is again – is catastrophic.

Mother Teresa once said, “loneliness and the feeling of being uncared for and unwanted are the greatest poverty”. It causes immense emotional – and sometimes, existential – pain.

One of the routine assessment questions I asked in school was, ‘do you spend too much time alone?’. The answer is invariably ‘yes’. These young people come home from school to an empty house, go to their bedroom and go on online, to try to connect. When they are hungry, they will microwave something from the fridge and take it back to their room, to eat alone. We have forgotten that teenagers need their parents as much as toddlers, albeit for different reasons. Parenting doesn’t stop when they start secondary school, simply because they can be trusted to keep themselves physically safe – sort of.

But a relationship requires time and ‘presence’ – the focussed attention which is increasingly hard to find in our continually-connected world. When children don’t have this, they turn that loss – that lack – back upon themselves. Too many of the young people that I have worked with don’t ‘know’ their mother in any meaningful sense, and certainly don’t feel ‘known’ by her. Today’s ubiquitous anxiety and depression are the predictable result. It seemingly has no obvious source. No, the roots lie way back when the most fundamental connections were being formed in their brains, as that webinar suggested.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

The new Harvard paper, to which I referred earlier, includes “Know the Child” among its top three recommendations for helping children to develop “a strong sense of mattering”. This can only happen if we spend un-pressured, easy time with our children. This doesn’t happen on demand, or in a few short and frantic hours at the beginning and end of each day. It can’t be confined to weekends. We need to know children as the little people they are – unique individuals – from the beginning. We need to understand what interests them and excites them, attune our care to meet their specific needs, ask questions and answer theirs. This demonstrates that they are seen and valued for who they are.

They will carry the value we place on them – and our relationship with them – out into the world. If they feel known and valued, firmly-rooted, they are unlikely to have issues with self-esteem and self-worth later. They will be able to put a value on themselves, which can protect them from the peer pressure which they will inevitably face; they will be better able to withstand the siren call of social media excess; and in this age when ‘identity’ involves picking labels off the shelf, they will have a sense of something so much deeper.

This has an added urgency, because we can no longer trust the message, morality or methods of other figures in our children’s lives, in perhaps the way we once did. We are not now all singing, necessarily, from the same hymn sheet. We therefore need to make sure all children have a trusted and reliable sounding board in their inner circle, to counter the ideology and revisionist history which disguises itself too often as education and ‘care’.

Just a ‘Job’?

I know I am preaching to the converted here. Mothers at Home Matter is leading the fight to protect the unique role that mothers have, and has been fearless in spreading that message far and wide, from ordinary parents to leading politicians, and everyone else along the way.

However, I think perhaps we have overlooked something of fundamental importance. In our eagerness to validate the role, we talk about the ‘job’ of mothering. While I will always say proudly that being a parent – especially a mother – is the most important ‘job’ in the word, it isn’t in fact a ‘job’ at all. As we have seen, it is so much more than that. A ‘job’ implies something which is transitory, something that someone else can do if we are not present, if we move on; ultimately, a role from which we can retire. Jobs have a specification. And yet I am sure that all of us here would agree that this doesn’t begin to offer an accurate description. Mothering is as much about ‘being’ as it is about ‘doing’.

A mother is intimately engaged in the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual formation of a child from the moment of conception. We are raising, shaping and encouraging another entirely unique individual. Our children will bear the imprint of our relationship with them for the rest of their lives.

This is as different from the ‘job’ of institutionalised or outsourced ‘child care’ as great art is from painting-by-numbers.

Throughout life, it is said that a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. How can it be otherwise? Our children begin their lives entirely dependent upon us, their tiny bodies encompassed by our own. This truth has never lost its power to amaze me. Is it a surprise that we should feel an extraordinary bond, life-long, with this new person – or that they should feel a special affinity with us? And yet increasingly mothers are encouraged to suppress this, and return to the real business of life as soon as possible.

Contracting Out

This ‘job’ has been reduced to a simple productive function, like any other. A pregnant woman is expected to continue in the work place almost until she is almost physically unable to do so. There is seemingly little understanding or appreciation of the changes and demands wrought by pregnancy, and the need to nurture the woman and her unborn child. There is then a brief but – for many – inconvenient hiatus while the messy business of birth and its aftermath happens, and then the emphasis is on getting ‘back to normal’ as quickly as possible. It rather puts me in mind of finishing a project, filing away the paperwork and thinking ‘what’s next’.

Over now to someone else to do the rest. After all, they are probably professionals, they are regulated, they have a Level 3, Level 4, Level 5 in goodness only knows what. ‘Motherhood’ has been limited to a basic biological process. In some circles, even this is not guaranteed – surrogacy, the production of babies on demand for those who are neither equipped nor inclined for their natural production, is accelerating this commodification and eradicating age-old bonds.

I feel that it is important to stress another point too. Motherhood has in part become devalued because we first devalued fatherhood. In making fathers an optional extra in so many children’s lives, we have given many mothers no option but to take on the super-human role of both parents. In many cases, this means going out to work full-time, with the raising of children taking second place – at least that’s how it feels to a lot of the children I speak to. This creates a conflict. Work outside the home takes priority for survival – but an infant instinctively needs their mother for survival. Mothers, naturally, need fathers for theirs.

Unpopular as this might be in some circles, I also take issue with aspects of the fertility industry. Children should not be created from component parts selected from random individuals, the choice determined in rather the same way that we might choose the finish and interior of a new car. And how did it ever become ethical to pick an embryo from a number of fertilised eggs, condemning the rest to destruction, just as we might pick-and-mix sweets? How do we accept the storing of embryos in a deep freeze for decades, without it diminishing us all?

Only Human

This inevitably impacts our own humanity – although we barely understand that in a world where everything is quantified, qualified, certified, explained, itemised and costed. We become numbers, governed by protocols with decisions taken for us. Invariably we are told that all of this is in our best interests and all part of a striving for the greater good.

I am unconvinced. It is all part of a denial of reality, originality and individuality – an appreciation of the intrinsic value of every human life. When we all fit into neatly ticked boxes, when we all think the same, behave in the same way and have the same needs, it makes it so much easier, don’t you know. The irony is that this is happening when there has never been more cheap talk about ‘the value of the individual’ or ‘personalised services’.

At least this pays lip-service to a fundamental truth – we were not designed to be mass-produced, or have our production and maintenance outsourced. We are supposed to be carefully crafted individuals, who develop within intimate, unique relationships. None is more important in the early years than the mother-child bond.

The pendulum will swing back, and already I see some optimistic signs. Just as each new generation scrutinises – and often rejects – the choices of their parents, I am increasingly meeting young women who want to have children and to be ‘proper’ mothers. Their words, not mine. While I hate to say it, economic stagnation – while regrettable – is making paid employment harder to find and less financially attractive for young mothers, making the decision to stay home easier.

Making Our Own Misery

The sheer scale of the misery we have brought upon ourselves by embarking on a social experiment unlike any other is becoming clearer by the day. Only a few days ago, I received a circular email offering special training to people working in schools now that one third of children are not securely attached to anyone, and as a result have serious behavioural issues. The link is increasingly obvious.

In the light of this, the government should be doing much more, and recognising the long-term value of mothers at home – and family life – in the tax system, as other countries do. This would offer women a real choice and, I am convinced, reduce future health and welfare bills. We also need fathers to recognise and value mothers who stay at home.

Transcending the Ordinary

In preparing for today, I read widely and came across several accounts of motherhood which I think beautifully sum up the essence of what we are talking about. I am not a Roman Catholic, but this piece from a Catholic magazine particularly resonated with me.

“As physical-spiritual composites, we are to tend also to our children’s spiritual needs,, setting a foundation of morality and knowledge and love of God that will lead them to heaven. This is a life-long endeavour, where families work alongside one another in a community of faith, hope and charity.

“Mothers, then, are not just the sustainers of physical life, the maidservants of an ungrateful house. We’re the stewards of souls, bringing up our children in a home environment that we create and sustain for the shoring up of holiness”.

This may be deeply unfashionable, but we overlook the transcendent aspects of motherhood at our peril. We are indeed “the stewards of souls” at a time when many deny the existence of souls (unless of course it is a ‘gendered soul’, in which case that is a different matter altogether). In society’s rush to prioritise individual needs, and centre everything on ourselves, we would rather not be answerable to anything or anyone above and beyond ourselves.

It is perhaps no accident that any ongoing reverence and respect for motherhood in the modern western world is found primarily within Roman Catholicism and Orthodoxy, where Mary’s role – and willing acceptance of the responsibility of motherhood – is a key part of the Christian story, now often underplayed by other denominations. Jewish mothers are famous for their embrace of their role. And, while there may be additional cultural factors to take into account, a recent survey suggests that a clear majority of Muslim mothers prioritise their role within the home. It is a cultural aberration to insist that actually, a mother’s presence doesn’t matter that much.

It’s All About Relationship

To finish, the power and importance of mothering lies in relationship – a unique attachment with the child. “Young children experience their world as an environment of relationships, and these affect virtually all aspects of their development” [5].

With whom a child spends their time matters. The quality and stability of family relationships matter. Mothers are biologically programmed to respond to the needs of their children in a way that nobody else can.

Alarmingly, Erica Komisar has said that the mothering instinct can be killed within a a few generations. Evidence suggests to me that it is not ‘killed’ – it is distracted, disturbed and redirected, with adverse consequences for children, women and families. It shows up above all in some of those ‘mental health’ statistics and ‘behavioural difficulties’ – nobody is getting what they need.

As we all know – and Harvard scientists now tell us – the early years lay the foundation for a wide range of later developmental outcomes that really matter. We are now seeing a crisis in the very things which depend on early secure attachment – mental health, self-confidence, emotional regulation, motivation and self-discipline and an understanding of the difference between right and wrong. Ultimately, insecure attachment also affects a child’s ability to make meaningful friendships, form intimate relationships in later life and ultimately be a successful parent themselves.

We can only learn to love if we are loved; we only understand others if we ourselves have been understood; we can only empathise with others if others have been able to put themselves in our shoes; and we can only regulate our emotions if someone once held the big feelings with us. We learn this first and best, as children, from our mothers. It is through this relationship – and relationship with a few other key family members – that children can then can then engage with the wider community in effective ways that help them define who they are, what they can become and how and why they are important to other people.

That is the power and importance of mothering.

[1] Flynn C, To All the Mothers Out There, Catholic Answers, 6 May 2022. https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/to-all-the-mothers-out-there

[2] Burghardt L and Wallace J, Mattering in early Childhood: Building a Strong Foundation for Life, Center on the Developing Child – Harvard University, 2025, https://developingchild.harvard.edu/wp-content/uploads/2025/10/Mattering-Paper-center-on-the-developing-child.pdf

[3] Komisar E, (2017), Being There – Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters, Tarcher Perigee.

[4] Cozolino L, (2016), Why Therapy Works – Using our Minds to Change our Brains, Norton.

[5] Working Paper 1, Young Children Develop in an Environment of Relationships (updated and reprinted), Center on the Developing Child - Harvard University, October 2009.